Saturday, January 10, 2009

Saying Goodbye

This is just a really hard post to write today. I guess I'll start with Thursday evening.

Just before we headed to youth, I was getting ready to go, and while in the washroom, I noticed that I was spotting just a tiny bit. I was very scared, but it was so little that I thought I would still go to youth, and then see how things went. When I got home, I decided to go to the ER. Of course, I was praying the whole way there that there would at least be a female doctor on call. I really really think God was looking out for me the whole way.

When I got to the ER, there was only 1 person in the waiting room! Just 1! That never ever happens. And then when I talked to the nurse at the desk, and she noticed who was my doctor, she said 'Oh, you're lucky, Dr. Hesom just came in!'

So, I got into a room right away, and Dr. Hesom came in. She did an internal exam and said everything felt fine. Then she tried to find a heartbeat. She didn't find one, but said that at 11 weeks, it was highly unlikely anyway. She said she thought that everything was fine, but booked an ultrasound appointment for Friday morning just to be sure.

I went to have the ultrasound Friday morning. When it was all over, the tech told me I could go, and I asked if she could at least tell me if there was a baby/heartbeat. She said that my doctor would call me in the afternoon. Problem is, Dr. Hesom was working in the ER all night, so she wasn't in during the day. I told the tech this, and she reluctantly told me that there was no baby to be found, only a sack. She said that the baby probably died shortly after implantation.

I managed to make it home through my tears. And that's kind of where we're at now. I have the option of a D&C, but honestly, that terrifies me. I think I will wait and see if everything will come out on its own.

Emotionally, I'm not really sure where I'm at. Today I feel OK. There is just a big whole there in my heart though. I feel kind of empty. I just want to hide at home and not talk to people, but I'm guessing that won't be an option. I'm really dreading church tomorrow, and all the people who will think I am still pregnant. What do I tell them?

31 comments:

Lindsey Dueck said...

I am so sorry Stacey. I noticed yesterday that your pregnacy counter was gone... I am praying for you!

Eva said...

I'll be praying for you Stacy. Remember that there are ladies in your church (I'm sure you know of whom I speak) that have gone through this, some a few times in a row. Allow them to support you in this time.

Liane said...

Crying for you again Stacey. Reading your post is like a flashback. I'm really sorry you have to go through this! But like Eva said, you are not alone! I'm here for you!
I was actually thinking of calling you yesterday, but I know that I needed some time alone when we lost Jenny.
As for the D&C. It is really not that bad. For me it was closure and the beginning of healing.
But you have to do, what you feel is right!

Praying for you!

PS. If it's ok I'll be bringing you a book to church tomorrow that really helped me!

Shanilie said...

oh my goodness. I can't imagine. Im very sorry. My heart is tearing in half. My brother and his wife went through this just recently, i don't know exactly what they gave her. but I know there was a lot of cramping involved. You will definitley be in my thoughts and prayers. don't withdrawl yourself from people. Its hard, but so much better to have the support from those who know you and people out there who love and support you.

Sheila said...

Sorry to hear about your loss, however, know that you are not alone in this. Miscarriage is more common than you probably think. 25% of all pregnancies end up this way. I'm a little surprised that the D&C is an option. From what I've been told by friends that have had it done if you're over 10 weeks along you need to have it. If you don't, you can end up with a terrible infection, and that would be no fun.
My little bit of encouragment for you is obviously give yourself some time to grieve, but after a few weeks, assume your daily routines, keep in contact with your friends and family and move forward.
I've been there too. God bless.

3 for Me! said...

Praying for you and will be emailing you shortly!

Drea said...

Hey Stacey,
this is hard... Hang in there.. know you are not alone.. and that precious babe is in heaven. If you were 11 wks you are prob. ok and wouldnt need a D&C.. I miscarried just shy of 3 months... so around the same time you are.. and was ok on my own. My body cleared things out naturally and im so thankful for that...
The hardest part to me was when people would come up asking when I was due.. unknowing to what had happening. Id just bawl.

Hang in there!! Love you

Anonymous said...

Praying for both you and Keith.
We love you.
Uncle Dave, aunt Kathy

srempel said...

I know I dont know you Stacey but I know I am thinking of you and praying for you as you travel this road.

Jobina said...

Oh Stacey I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. I'm praying for you.

Kalle said...

Stacey I'm so sorry. I hope you find the peace you need to deal with this loss.

Jenn said...

Stacey, I am praying for you. It has been over 12 yrs ago that I went through this at 12 weeks, but still the memory is burned in my heart. I had to have a D&E.

Thinking of you...

Jenn

Laura said...

oh Stacy I'm so sorry. If I were you I would stay home from church today. It will still be hard next Sunday but at least people will know by then and you don't have to be the one to personally tell so many people. Maybe call your pastor and ask if they could announce it at church and ask for prayer??? I'll be praying for you.

Ellen said...

there are no words - only heart feelings. Thank you for being honest.

Linds and Manda said...

I'm so sorry Stacey. I will be praying that God holds you up.

Nathanael & Katie said...

So sorry to hear your news. You're in our prayers.

The Stiffs said...

Praying that you feel the warm and comforting arms of the Lord Jesus now, and that you have family and friends encircling you and your family. Sending love your way!

Niki said...

I've been following your blog since you found mine...when I read your last two posts today, my heart was in my throat. I'm SO sorry to hear that. I'm aching for you, though I barely know you. Taking a minute to pray for you right now...

Elaine said...

I´m so sorry for you! So hard to not be there for you, so many miles apart. But be sure we will be keeping you in our prayers.

With so much love ...

Andrea said...

Oh Stacey. I am so, so sorry. I know how you feel as I have been through a miscarriage myself. It's very hard and very sad. Time will heal and God always has a reason. I've been praying for you a lot lately just because of both of our pregnancy's but I just felt like you needed extra prayers. God must have been telling me something. *HUGS*
PS. I didn't have a D&C if you want to e-mail me I can tell you about it.

Tara said...

My heart breaks for you Stacey! Having close friends and family that have gone through this kind of loss, I've seen how difficult it was for them. Praying that you would lean on God and that His strength and peace would be with you and Keith.

Donna said...

Sweetie, I am so sad you have to go through this. My prayers and sympathy.

Diana said...

Sorry to hear this Stacey. Our prayers will be with you.
We have experienced this loss a couple times as "grandparents" and also once myself.
From our experience as a family, the D & C might be the right option. It can take a long time to "clean out". Sorry for that term, but sometimes the body does not do it as well as it should.
I hope whatever your choice is, that it goes well with you.

Alyson said...

You cry...and allow people to comfort you.

Anonymous said...

sending you my love. Sometimes tears are the best words a heart can speak. Hugs. Haven't had a miscarriage so I can say I know what you're going through. Heaven seems a little closer when a child goes home early.
Anita

Anonymous said...

correction: I CAN'T say I know what you're going through. (sorry)

Melissa said...

Praying for you two...

Qtpies7 said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult. I have gone through a few.
I encourage you to stick to your convictions about the D&C, it really is not a good idea unless it proves necessary.

Jamy said...

Oh Stacey, I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you.

Kathy Eller said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am crying with you

Mrs. S said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry I haven't been a very good bloggy friend. I just clicked on your blog today and saw the hand print counter on the right sidebar. Then I scrolled through your posts until I found this one. I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.