Wednesday, April 06, 2011

My Facebook Mini Meltdown

Monday is a day that things just didn't go well, at all.  See, I've been trying my hardest not to stress over our rental house, which was trashed a few weeks ago.  And while I was doing pretty good about it, Keith has also had to be there every evening fixing it.  So my days with the kids, are loooong.  And I was tired.  Not that I should use that as an excuse, but well, it affected my outlook on life greatly.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook saw a glimpse of what I was feeling that night.  Alone.  Defeated.  Mostly, alone.  Struggling to deal with the kids, while just feeling so low.  It resulted in some angry words that I regret.  I am so thankful for the forgiveness that comes so easily from my children. 

Back to the alone thing.  This was my status on Monday night:
Just wishing that out of 352 Facebook friends, I had one "real" friend that I could call when I'm having a bad day.

I don't know why I have to continue to struggle with this my whole life.  I don't want to be this way, and I don't want to place blame on anyone.  I just can't seem to push out of it, and come through the other side.  This loneliness, feeling like I don't quite fit in anywhere.  It's lame, but yet it's very real for me.

Many times in my childhood, and well into my teen years, I had horrible experiences with "friends".  I spent a lot of time crying by myself, wondering what was so wrong with me that no one would stay my friend.  Always feeling like the outsider in a group.  Wishing they would happily include me in whatever they were doing.  I seriously vouch for the whole "mean girls" thing.  I was on the receiving end.

I remember one time in particular that was very hard.  I was part of an amazing vocal jazz group in high school, and we qualified to go to a National music competition in Toronto.  That in itself was super awesome :)  But when we got to the college dorms where we were staying, I was basically told to go sleep in my own room, while everyone else got a roommate from the group.  That really stung.

I also had my best friend from my Jr. High years tell me that I wasn't cool enough, and she wanted more than just one best friend.  She wanted to be popular, and I didn't fit in enough to be part of her new group of friends.  That was after I convinced her to ask her mom if she could go to public school after being home schooled for years.  Yeah.  I still haven't gotten over that.  How do you know if you've forgiven someone?  I want to, but I soooo cannot forget that memory.

I think maybe this is all so vivid for me right now because Rowan started school this year.  All those memories have been haunting me as I think of my kids going to school.  I don't want that for them.  It scares me to death to think that they would either be on the receiving end of such hurtful things, or even worse, be the giver of hurt.

I used to think that all of these experiences made me a stronger person, and that I was more able to reach out to others.  Now I just feel it all crashing in again, and I don't know why.  I feel myself drawing inward, instead of reaching out to those that are in the same boat.

I'm hoping that maybe by writing this all down, I will be able to move on.  There has got to be more to this life!

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17 comments:

Jennifer said...

So, I'm pretty much in tears after reading your post-I struggled with friends as well in junior high and a bit in high school!
I can understand how hard it is to be at home all day with your children and then to also have to be alone in the evenings is rough. I know that we have only started "communicating" in the last few weeks but if you want to re-connect, please email me and I will give you my phone number. I'm praying for you.

Andrea said...

Aw Stacey...if only we lived closer together!! I know that it's hard to stay really connected when we live so far apart, but let's just say that I always, always considered you my best friend after we met at youth. Still do...it just so much harder to stay REALLY connected after we move far away from home...which is just another one of the reasons on my long list of reasons about why I wish I could move back home!! Praying for you...

Melanie said...

Hey Stacey, I so know where you are at. Those insecurities come back to me often, especially with working with youth who show the same insecurities or cliches that I experienced in my tween years. It hurts to think that might happen (or has, in some cases) to my daughters. But God has been teaching me I am not alone, even when it feels that way. Sometimes Facebook and Blogger are great for that reminder. Getting those comments back boosts me up, so I hope this one does too.

You are not alone. :)

Mrs. Stam said...

sorry I haven't had a chance to email you or even send you comment via facebook or anything, but know that you are on my mind and prayers :-)

That feeling of not fitting in, well I understand it cause I feel it, I always feel *alone* until someone told me shortly after the Lord saved me

"The way you feel is because you are not HOME, you are and have been homesick since God called you. You are unique because He created you that way, he created you to miss Him, to long for Him to be incomplete without Him"

Now was his statement theologically correct, you knows, but it did comfort me. Knowing that I am "not alone" when I feel alone, that He always hears me, He is always there and His LOVE for me is never changing, even when I have a bad day and am self centered, when I focus on "my" trails, my pain, on myself instead of Him.

Prayers, and thanksgiving, communion at every breath help me focus on Him, I am HIS! Wow knowing that I am his daughter, his child his beloved! He will never leave me!

S Club Mama said...

I feel lonely often. I feel unfriended often. Just one friend who I could call any time to listen...haven't found that person yet. I have some prospects but it sucks because friendships take time, we tend to move a lot. :(

And I am scared for Tristan starting school, too, especially since he's a little different. He was sick from school for 2 days and I ran into one of the other moms from his class - she said her son missed his buddy. I about cried it felt so good.

Let's just move Canada and Kansas closer together!!

Jen said...

Hi Stacey
I just wanted to say I totally know this feeling all to well.

I've been putting myself out there like crazy to meet new people. I had invited 6 new people over to my home for a visit. After a few months I got one call back for a return visit.

I joined a bible study I tried to introduce myself and i was told "we know who u are we know your husband." I returned to be the babysitter thinking I'd get to know more of the women and that didn't turn out the way I would have liked either.

These things were very hurtful to me as I am a very shy person and have to really make an effort.

There is nothing wrong with showing emotion.
Anyway wow long story just to say I know how it feels.

annejisca said...

Aww, Stacey. *hugs* I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I know the hurt some friends can cause, and it's very hard to receive. I think forgiveness is something that is on-going, and hard to do. May God give you grace and strength in these hard days.

Heather said...

you are not alone. sometimes its hardest to put ourselves out there after we have been hurt. i don't have any wise words but I want you to know you are not alone. hugs.

Kenzie Prudhomme said...

Wow Stacey what a horrible way to feel :( I did see that status the other night and kind of thought it was just a sarcastic "I've got too many facebook friends" statement. Are there some young moms at your church you've been able to connect with? If it wasn't for my church family I honestly don't know what I would do sometimes.

Cindi said...

I totally know how you feel! I have been there many times, even now as an adult. One of the most hurtful was from the people we chose to be our daughter's godparents. It was so hard to forgive them, but I have. But just because they've been forgiven doesn't mean that what they did doesn't still hurt. Or that what happened didn't change me and how I react or feel in certain situations. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. The only one who can actually do that is God. Now, when I am in the situation where I am meeting new people or developing a new friendship, I have to remind myself that this person is not going to try and hurt me, that they are a different person than my former friend. It is hard, but necessary.

Anonymous said...

Stacey...so many things are going through my mind after reading your post. Not sure which thought to share. Just know that I understand.

Irina

Dianna said...

Aww Stacy i wod soo luv to meet u one day. I already feel I found a friend in u since we r blogging now for a few years. I too sometimes feel ppl see me differently by my culture, dress code, but then I'm reminded that we all serve the same God we all strife to go to the same place we r all unique and loved and yes u found a friend in me!!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I'm Kassy, I saw your blog on Laura's and the FB title intrigued me.
I was also on who didn't have "friends" in Jr and Sr high. My Bible college years were wonderful, as i found many great friends. But what I have found is that they too wane when we move away and the length of time between seeing them gets longer. The ones that were/are real friends become more prominent. And there are very few of them. In my life i have had one good friend that has stood the test of time from childhood, tho we didn't live close after elementary. when i see her, i know there is a connection, but i don't see her or talk to her more than once or twice a year. As an adult I have 2 close friends, who i also do not live near. I spend time with lots of people, people who i love and i know they love me, but the connection is still more surface than deep. Here where i live that connection to people is what keeps me busy, but doesn't entirely distract when i am lonely. My husband is my closest friend, and when he works long days i get lonely for him too. Why am i saying all this? I'm not really sure.
I can't say I know how you feel, because only you know. Actually the cliche works here "God knows how you feel". but i find cliches are not much for comfort.
I guess I'm not trying to comfort, I just want to get in the trench with you and say that it's ok to feel how you are feeling and you don't need to feel stressed about trying to feel "good". If it weren't for valleys there would be no high places. another cliche.
even Jesus felt alone and forsaken. another one. I'm not sure how to end here, I don't really know what else to say. Sorry if this is scattered and makes no sense. I'll pray for you.
I don't have a blog, but you can find me on face book if you'd like.
Kassy Parsons

Mom said...

Dear Stacey... I guess you already know that I too experienced things in school which were very hurtful to me and played a role in my being insecure and shy. Sounds like it's not so uncommon. Kids can be so cruel and don't always realize or care about how their actions and words affect others...but these same kids for the most part grow up and change. Some of the same people who hurt me deeply in high school would now greet me without hesitation and would not want to be remembered as they once were.
The other thing to remember is that other people don't establish our worth and we should never give them that position. Our worth rests in the One who created us and loves us unconditionally. Hmmm, yes, and loves them too! I know it's not always easy to forget, but I find if I'm praying for the one who hurt me, it's harder to be bitter.
I want to encourage you to be that friend you are longing for to someone else. Don't let shyness or anything else keep you from getting on the phone and inviting someone over whom you would like to befriend. Don't hesitate to take the first step...as you can see from the comments posted here that others have struggled with similar issues and may be a little insecure with making new friends as well. Sometimes I think with our "handy" computers we've lost something very special...the art of communication. We no longer pick up the phone when we need human contact but instead we go to the computer which just isn't the same as hearing someone's voice and dialoguing with them. And, as many have already commented, "you are not alone". I recently heard it said, "If nothing else goes well for me today, I still have God." He will never fail when others do.

MOM said...

P.S. I LOVE YOU...

Drea said...

I wish I was closer!!!

Kalle said...

I haven't been on the computer much since last week but am catching up now. I think fitting in and feeling like they have "true" friends is something each of us has struggled with at one time or another. I know I have. Even know at 28 I feel like I have a lot of great people in my life but only 1 maybe 2 good girlfriends (and they live hours away). I'm always on the look out for new friends, hoping to find one that I just click with. That bestie that we all need.

Insecurities are so hard to shake. I pray you find the peace you are looking for. It's not the same but you definitely have some great support here in the blogshpere. You are kind, beautiful and a wonderful person. People should be lucky to call you friend.