Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook saw a glimpse of what I was feeling that night. Alone. Defeated. Mostly, alone. Struggling to deal with the kids, while just feeling so low. It resulted in some angry words that I regret. I am so thankful for the forgiveness that comes so easily from my children.
Back to the alone thing. This was my status on Monday night:
I don't know why I have to continue to struggle with this my whole life. I don't want to be this way, and I don't want to place blame on anyone. I just can't seem to push out of it, and come through the other side. This loneliness, feeling like I don't quite fit in anywhere. It's lame, but yet it's very real for me.
Many times in my childhood, and well into my teen years, I had horrible experiences with "friends". I spent a lot of time crying by myself, wondering what was so wrong with me that no one would stay my friend. Always feeling like the outsider in a group. Wishing they would happily include me in whatever they were doing. I seriously vouch for the whole "mean girls" thing. I was on the receiving end.
I remember one time in particular that was very hard. I was part of an amazing vocal jazz group in high school, and we qualified to go to a National music competition in Toronto. That in itself was super awesome :) But when we got to the college dorms where we were staying, I was basically told to go sleep in my own room, while everyone else got a roommate from the group. That really stung.
I also had my best friend from my Jr. High years tell me that I wasn't cool enough, and she wanted more than just one best friend. She wanted to be popular, and I didn't fit in enough to be part of her new group of friends. That was after I convinced her to ask her mom if she could go to public school after being home schooled for years. Yeah. I still haven't gotten over that. How do you know if you've forgiven someone? I want to, but I soooo cannot forget that memory.
I think maybe this is all so vivid for me right now because Rowan started school this year. All those memories have been haunting me as I think of my kids going to school. I don't want that for them. It scares me to death to think that they would either be on the receiving end of such hurtful things, or even worse, be the giver of hurt.
I used to think that all of these experiences made me a stronger person, and that I was more able to reach out to others. Now I just feel it all crashing in again, and I don't know why. I feel myself drawing inward, instead of reaching out to those that are in the same boat.
I'm hoping that maybe by writing this all down, I will be able to move on. There has got to be more to this life!